Have you ever dated someone who seemed hot and cold, never quite committing but not wanting to let you go either? That, my friend, is what we call an avoidant attachment style. And chasing after someone like this will drive you absolutely insane. I am speaking from my own experience.
But what happens when you finally decide enough is enough and stop chasing them? You get your power back, that’s what.
No more anxiously waiting by the phone for a text that may or may not come.
No more canceling plans at the last minute because they suddenly want to see you.
No more twisting yourself into a pretzel to please someone who will never truly be there for you.
When you stop chasing an avoidant, you stop feeling so powerless and out of control. You realize your worth isn’t defined by their willingness or lack thereof to commit to you. You open yourself up to finding a secure relationship where you feel loved and supported.
You’ll Feel Confused And Hurt
When you stop reaching out without warning, you’ll likely feel confused by their sudden silence and hurt by their lack of effort. This is normal, but stay strong — the pain is only temporary.
Your anxious attachment system will go into overdrive. You’ll obsess over what went wrong and ruminate on the relationship. Do your best to distract yourself and connect with supportive friends or family members.
I know it can be really hard not talking to them, but trust me, reaching out is only going to make it worse. You’ll be driving yourself crazy waiting and waiting for them to text back, not sleeping, super stressed. Is all that really worth it just to send one little message? Take it from me, staying no contact is the best thing for you right now, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Avoid giving in to the urge to reach out. Staying away is the only way your avoidant partner will have the space to potentially come around. If it’s meant to be, they’ll make an effort when they start to miss you. If not, you’ll have begun the process of moving on.
They Will Contact You
Once you stop chasing after an avoidant person, they will either disappear from your life completely, or they will come back around.
If they come back around, it will likely be because they’ve realized what they’re missing. By not giving them your usual attention and affection, you’ve given them the space to miss you.
After a while of no contact from you, their avoidance tendencies may start to lessen. They may start to crave intimacy and closeness again. They may reach out via a text, call, or bump into you “accidentally on purpose.”
When they do make contact, proceed with caution. Their avoidance likely hasn’t disappeared overnight. Have an open conversation about their contact and set clear boundaries and expectations before letting them back in. Make sure their actions match their words this time around.
The Heavy Burdens Will Lift From Your Shoulders
Once you stop chasing after an avoidant, the heavy burdens of anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt will lift from your shoulders. You’ll no longer stress about their hot and cold behavior or try to figure out the reasons behind their withdrawal. The emotional rollercoaster is gonna come to a stop.
Instead of worrying about why they haven’t called or made plans, you’ll regain your confidence and independence. You’ll start focusing on yourself again and pursuing your own interests. Rather than waiting around for them to decide if they want to see you, you’ll make your own exciting plans.
Free from the emotional turmoil, you’ll feel lighter and happier. You’ll realize your worth isn’t defined by their actions. Your life will open up to new opportunities and possibilities.
My friend was always trying to get an avoidant guy to pay attention to her. One time she said to me,
“Maybe he’s avoiding me because of my weight. I think I need to lose weight.”
I told her,
“Yes, you need to let go of all that baggage – but from your shoulders, not your body. You need to lose the burden you’re carrying around. It’s not about you, it’s about him! It’s clear the issue is with him, not you!”
Letting go of someone unavailable can be difficult, but it allows you to break free from a painful cycle. The relief and inner peace you’ll gain will help you see that walking away was the best choice. You deserve so much more than crumbs of affection – you deserve real, committed love.
They Will Chase You
After realizing you’ve pulled away, an avoidant partner may come chasing after you. Suddenly, the texts and calls start flooding in. They begin initiating meetups and dates. Why the turnaround? Your avoidant partner got comfortable with the distance, but now that you’ve created space, they feel the loss of intimacy and seek to regain it. The chase is on.
Though it may be tempting to give in, don’t fall for empty promises of change. Take it slow and look for real signs your partner is addressing underlying intimacy issues before diving back in. If the chasing stops as soon as they’ve reeled you back in, you’ll know the change was only temporary. You deserve a healthy relationship where you’re both willing to meet each other’s needs.
Healthier Relationships
New relationships form that are balanced and fulfilling. Unencumbered by the emotional rollercoaster, you have the capacity to find partners who treat you well and are able to commit. Your judgment becomes clearer, and you gravitate to those who can reciprocate care and affection.
Once you stop chasing an avoidant and meet new people, you will realize that you were pretty stupid for settling for someone like them.
Inner Peace
The constant anxiety, frustration, and disappointment of the chase fade away. In their place arises a deep sense of calm and stability. No longer stuck in a loop of longing and unmet expectations, you can live fully in the present moment. This hard-won peace of mind is worth its weight in gold.
Opportunity To Grow
When you’re no longer focused on what they’re doing or not doing, you have space to turn the spotlight inward. You can pursue new hobbies and interests, reconnect with friends, engage in self-care and continue progressing on your own personal journey. Growth always follows letting go.
My Advice
Stop chasing, start living. It’s time to stop running after someone who constantly pulls away and focus on yourself. When you give up the pursuit, you’ll realize how much energy you’ve been wasting and how little you’ve been valuing yourself.
Your confidence and self-worth will start to rebuild as you nurture other relationships and pursue your own interests again. The avoidant ex may come back around in time once you’ve moved on, but by then, you’ll be in a much better place to make a clear-eyed decision about whether you even want them in your life.
