You’ve likely encountered someone who seems to withdraw emotionally just as the relationship starts getting more intimate. While people with an avoidant attachment style often have difficulty expressing their feelings, it doesn’t mean they don’t care deeply. In fact, their aloofness may be a defense mechanism masking intense emotions they’re afraid to reveal. Let’s take a look at 9 signs that an avoidant partner truly loves you, even though their behavior suggests otherwise.
But First of All, What Is An Avoidant Personality?
With an avoidant personality, the person is gripped by deep-rooted anxiety about being disliked or criticized. As a result, they tend to isolate themselves and avoid putting themselves out there. Even casual chitchat or meeting new people fills them with dread. They would much rather stay in their safe bubble than risk any potential embarrassment or rejection.
In everyday life, you might notice these individuals declining invitations, keeping conversations brief, and steering clear of the spotlight. They’re the ones sitting quietly in the corner at parties, hoping no one really notices them. It’s not that they’re stuck up or rude; their avoidant tendencies make them highly self-conscious and terrified of doing or saying the wrong thing.
Avoidants typically:
- Avoid physical and emotional intimacy
- Are hot and cold
- One moment they communicate, and the next, they withdraw and distance themselves
- Aren’t comfortable with vulnerability
9 Surprising They Love You
They Make Consistent Efforts To Stay In Touch
One of the biggest telltale signs is that they’ll make consistent efforts to stay in touch with you, even if it’s in indirect or low-key ways. You might notice them liking your Instagram stories or randomly liking an old photo of yours from months ago. It’s their way of saying, “Hey, I’m still here, and I’m thinking about you.”
These little breadcrumbs of attention can be frustrating, especially when you crave something more substantial. But try to see it from their perspective – for someone with an avoidant attachment style, even these small gestures can feel like a massive emotional risk.
They Remember The Little Things
Another telltale sign an avoidant loves you is that they remember all the little things about you. I’m talking about the random details most people wouldn’t even notice. Like how you take your coffee, that your favorite snack is salt and vinegar chips, or the name of your childhood pet. If an avoidant is filing away these tiny tidbits, it’s because on some level, they’re paying extremely close attention.
They may not be able to articulate huge romantic gestures, but they’re trying to show they care in more subtle ways. It’s their version of leaving a trail of breadcrumbs, almost like they’re leaving you clues about how they really feel.
They Show Vulnerability In Small Doses
Avoidants struggle with emotional intimacy, but when they go out of their way to do little things for you, it might be a sign they love you. Maybe they’ll surprise you with your favorite snack or offer to help you with a task without you even asking. It might not seem like much, but for them, it’s a way of nurturing the connection without getting too close too fast.
They Prioritize Your Needs (Sometimes)
Every once in a while, you might catch a glimpse of them doing something thoughtful or considerate, just for you. It could be something small, like remembering your favorite snack and picking some up for you. Or maybe they’ll reschedule a commitment because you mentioned having a rough day and needing some company. Sometimes it’s as simple as them actively listening when you vent, instead of zoning out or changing the subject.
They Show Jealousy or Possessiveness
Jealousy isn’t exactly a healthy trait in a relationship. But with avoidants, a little jealousy can actually be a good thing. It means they care enough to not want to lose you.
See, avoidants have this tendency to push people away before they can get too close. It’s a defense mechanism rooted in fears of abandonment or engulfment. But if your avoidant partner gets jealous when you talk to others or spends time with friends, it’s a clue that on some level, they want to hold onto you.
The jealousy might come out in subtle ways, like asking a few too many questions about who you were with or making comments about how much time you’ve been spending with certain people lately. Or it could be more overt, like flat-out telling you they don’t like how close you are with someone.
Deflecting Serious Conversations
Avoidants deflect serious conversations like nobody’s business. You try to have a heart-to-heart about taking things to the next level, and suddenly they’re an expert on literally anything else. “Oh, you were saying something deep and meaningful about our relationship? Sorry, I got distracted thinking about…uh…18th century nautical knots. Tell me more about those?”
It’s not that they don’t care – it’s that they really do care, and that terrifies them. Avoidants tend to have fears of intimacy, commitment, and vulnerability. So when things start getting too real, their instinct is to throw up those emotional walls and shut it down.
But don’t take the deflection personally. It’s not about you; it’s about their own things they need to work through. The fact that they’re sticking around at all, dodging and weaving as they go, could very well mean they have real feelings for you.
They Become Super Defensive When You Get Too Close
Another major red flag is when they get super defensive or start putting up walls anytime you try to get closer emotionally. It’s like they panic and throw up a force field to keep you at arm’s length. You might notice them shutting down, changing the subject, or even lashing out when you broach deeper topics or want to take your connection to the next level.
It’s not that they don’t care – in fact, their feelings likely scare the heck out of them. Avoidants often have a hard time being vulnerable and letting people in. So when things start feeling too real or intense, their defenses kick into high gear as a self-protection mechanism.
They Often “Pull Away” After Closer Moments
After moments of closeness or intimacy, they will often pull away. It’s like they get a little too close for comfort, and their natural instinct kicks in to create some distance. You might notice that after a really great date or a heartfelt conversation, they suddenly become distant, unresponsive, or even a little cold.
This behavior can be frustrating and confusing, but try not to take it personally. It’s not about you; it’s about their deep-rooted fears of intimacy and vulnerability. Avoidants often have a hard time fully opening up and letting someone in, so when things start to feel too intense or too real, they hit the “eject” button.
Indirect Messages
Avoidants may start sending you indirect little messages and hints that they’re thinking about you. For instance, they could share an Instagram story with a song that has lyrics reminiscent of your relationship. Or they might text you a quote about relationships that resonates with their current feelings. If you had mentioned loving Portugal, they could share Portuguese music or stories related to that country. These are the types of indirect messages that signal their thoughts are turning towards you.
Is The Relationship Worth It?
Whether a relationship with avoidants is worth it or not is hard to say. For me personally though, they’re just not my thing. Here’s why – over time with my ex who was avoidant, I realized I was wasting a lot of energy and time. You’re always hoping they’ll change, open up, and act normal. But then time passes, nothing changes, and you see it’s just not worth the effort. It’s up to you in the end, but for someone like me who really values living life to the fullest, that hot and cold, push and-pull dynamic with avoidant people is a total buzzkill.
