Losing someone you love, whether it’s a parent, partner, close friend, or a beloved pet, changes everything. And when someone close to you is grieving, the pressure to “say the right thing” can feel overwhelming.
Most people aren’t afraid of being cold. They’re afraid of making it worse.
The truth is, there’s no perfect sentence that takes pain away. But there are words that help, and words that quietly hurt, even when they’re said with good intentions.
This guide isn’t about scripts. It’s about awareness, timing, and choosing language that supports rather than minimizes grief. Let’s start with what not to say.
Words to Avoid When Someone Is Grieving
“Are you OK?”
It sounds caring, but it often puts pressure on the grieving person to reassure you. Most people in grief are not OK, and they shouldn’t have to pretend otherwise.
Instead of asking this, try something that gives them space to answer honestly, or not at all.
You might say, “I’ve been thinking about you,” or “I’m here with you today.”
Those statements don’t demand anything in return.
“It’ll be OK soon.”
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. Saying “soon” can feel dismissive, even if you mean to offer hope.
For someone deep in loss, this can sound like, “Please hurry up and feel better.”
A more supportive approach acknowledges that healing takes time.
For example: “There’s no deadline for this. Take all the time you need.”
“Are you going to get another cat/dog?”
This one hurts more than people realize.
For someone who just lost a pet, this question can feel like their grief is being brushed aside. Pets aren’t interchangeable. They’re companions, routines, comfort, and history.
When my own cat, who had been with me for 16 years, passed away, I heard this question more than once. Each time, it felt like being misunderstood all over again.
Losing a pet is losing a family member. Replacement talk minimizes that bond.
“I know how you feel.”
Even if you’ve experienced loss yourself, be careful with this phrase. Every relationship, every goodbye, and every kind of grief is different.
What feels supportive to one person can feel invalidating to another.
A safer alternative sounds like:“I can’t fully understand what you’re feeling, but I’m really sorry you’re going through this.”
That leaves room for their experience to be their own.
What You Can Say to Offer Comfort
“I’m here for you.”
This is simple, but powerful.
Grief is isolating. Even surrounded by people, many grieving individuals feel alone in their pain. Hearing that someone is present, without expectations or conditions, matters more than most realize.
If you mean it, make it concrete: “You can call or text me anytime. I’m here, even if you don’t know what to say.”
And if they don’t reach out right away, that doesn’t mean it didn’t help.
“I hope it brings you some comfort knowing they’re no longer suffering.”
This can be especially meaningful after a long illness.
When my cat was diagnosed with FIP, I was told he had months. He stayed with me for two more years. Toward the end, he barely moved. I told myself it was just age, because admitting the truth was too painful.
After he passed, I learned how much discomfort he had likely been in. That knowledge brought guilt, but eventually, also relief. Knowing he was finally at peace helped me breathe again.
For some people, this perspective doesn’t help right away. But later, it can.
“Your memories with them matter.”
Grief isn’t just about loss. It’s about love that has nowhere to go.
Acknowledging memories gives grieving people permission to talk, remember, and hold on to what still feels alive inside them.
You might say: “I hope the memories you shared bring you comfort when things feel heavy.”
That recognition often means more than advice.
“I love you.”
It might feel too small to say. It isn’t.
In moments of grief, love doesn’t need explanation. A simple “I love you” can ground someone when everything else feels unstable.
Sometimes that sentence, paired with presence, is enough.
What Actually Helps in the End
Grief doesn’t need fixing. It needs space. You don’t have to cheer someone up. You don’t have to make sense of their pain. You don’t have to find meaning in loss on their behalf.
What helps is showing up. Listening without correcting. Allowing silence. Letting them grieve in their own way, on their own timeline.
Often, the most supportive thing you can do is stay, even when there are no words left to say. Because for someone who is grieving, knowing they are not alone can make all the difference.
