Losing someone we love — whether it’s a family member, a close friend, or even a cherished pet — is one of the hardest things anyone can go through. And when someone you care about is grieving, it can be incredibly difficult to know what to say. You want to be supportive, but you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing or making their pain worse.
This guide is here to help. It’s not about having all the right answers — because grief is complicated, and there’s no perfect script — but about offering comfort in a thoughtful, respectful way.
Let’s start with a few things not to say.
Words to Avoid
“Are you OK?”
It might seem harmless, but this question can unintentionally put pressure on someone to seem “fine” when they’re far from it. Most people in the early stages of grief aren’t OK, and that’s entirely normal.
Instead of asking this, try something more supportive, like:
“I’ve been thinking about you. How are you coping today?”
or
“Would it help to talk? I’m here if you want to.”
“It’ll be OK soon.”
Even if you mean well, avoid giving timelines for healing. Grief is deeply personal. Some people need months or years to feel like themselves again. Others may look like they’re functioning, but are struggling silently.
Saying “soon” can feel dismissive, even if it’s meant to be hopeful. Try something more open-ended, such as:
“Heal at your own pace — there’s absolutely no deadline for feeling okay again.”
“So… are you going to get another cat/dog?”
Please, don’t say this. For someone who’s just lost a beloved pet, this question can feel like a punch in the gut. When my cat — who had been with me for 16 years — passed away, I heard this more than once. And honestly, it stung in a way that’s hard to put into words.
They weren’t just a pet — they were a part of my heart and my home. A companion through every high and low. You can’t just replace that kind of bond. Offering a new pet suggestion too soon minimizes the grief and love behind the loss.
“I know how you feel.”
Even if you’ve experienced your own loss, be careful with this one. No two losses are exactly alike. You don’t know what that person’s relationship was like, what their last moments were, or what emotions they’re carrying.
A better way to connect might be:
“I may not fully understand what you’re feeling, but I’m truly sorry you’re hurting right now.”
What You Can Say to Offer Comfort
“I’m here for you — anytime, truly.”
One of the most powerful things you can say. Grief often feels incredibly isolating, even if someone is surrounded by people. Knowing you’re there — not just once, but ongoing — can offer real comfort.
Let them know you’re available to talk, help with errands, go for a walk, or even just sit quietly together. And don’t worry if they don’t take you up on it right away. Just knowing you mean it makes a difference.
If you feel comfortable, you can say:
“You can call or text me day or night. I may not have the perfect words, but I’ll always pick up.”
“I hope it brings you some comfort to know they’re no longer suffering.”
When someone has lost a loved one — especially after a long illness — this can be a gentle reminder that their pain is over. I experienced this myself. My cat was diagnosed with FIP at 14. The vets gave him only a few months, but he stayed with me for two more years.
In his final months, he mostly just laid still, and I tried to convince myself it was just old age. I didn’t want to admit that I was about to lose him. After he passed, I learned how much he had likely been suffering, even though he seemed fine. And for a long time, I couldn’t help but carry the guilt. But now, I take some comfort knowing he’s finally at peace — and I believe he knew how much I loved him.
If your friend is going through something similar, words like these can help open the door to healing — not right away, but eventually.
“I hope your memories bring you strength and peace.”
Memories matter. When someone is grieving, it can be soothing to hear that the moments they shared with their loved one still live on in a meaningful way.
You can say:
“Hold onto the memories — they’ll never fade. I hope they bring you comfort on the hardest days.”
Grieving people often want to talk about the person or pet they’ve lost. Giving them permission to do so — by acknowledging the memories — helps them feel seen and supported.
“I love you.”
It might feel too simple, or too obvious — but saying “I love you” in a moment of grief can be deeply powerful.
You don’t have to follow it up with anything more. A sincere “I love you” — and maybe a hug — is often more meaningful than any carefully crafted condolence message.
Final Thoughts
Grief is a deeply personal experience. There’s no “right” way to handle it, and no perfect words that make everything better. But you can show up. You can be present. And you can choose words that support, rather than unintentionally hurt.
Avoid rushing someone through their pain. Avoid trying to fix what cannot be fixed. Just be there. Listen. Offer comfort. Just being there silently can mean more than you realize.
Because sometimes, just knowing that someone cares — truly cares — is exactly what a grieving person needs.
