As a femme lesbian myself, I’ve perfected the art of flying under the gaydar while still signaling to other lesbians that I’m one of them. And I’m here to let you in on a few of our secrets.
Before you go making a fool of yourself by hitting on a girl who only has eyes for other guys, check out these tips to help determine if she’s a femme lesbian or straight. By the end of this, you’ll be a pro at spotting the sapphic sisters who blend right in.
The Bitter Truth
This might be a bummer to hear, but most of the time, you really can’t tell if a woman is a femme lesbian or straight. That’s just how it is. Unless she actually tells you herself, you probably won’t know if she is into girls.
I’m sure you’ve heard those stereotypes about how every lesbian looks super butch – short hair, big baggy clothes, loose shirts, rainbow everything. But those are just stereotypes. There are literally millions of “incognito” lesbians out there who look totally feminine but are only interested in other women. Unless they tell you, it’s pretty much impossible to know just by looking at a femme lesbian whether she’s into girls or not.
The only sure way to know for sure is if she tells you herself. But with keen observation, you may detect clues that increase the likelihood she’s a femme lesbian. The femme lesbian signs are there – you just have to be looking for them.
Your Gaydar
A lot of gay people seem to have this kind of built-in radar to spot other gay people. Even if they’re not wearing anything flashy or obvious, there’s just something you can pick up on. If you’re ever wondering if a woman might be into other women, listen to your gut.
It’s tough to describe, but sometimes you just get a feeling that she’s a lesbian. It’s like there’s this tiny voice in the back of your head whispering, “Yup, she likes ladies.” Believe it or not, your intuition can clue you in like that.
She Lacks Interest In Male Attention or Dating
If she’s not receptive to flirting, compliments, or date invites from guys, it could be a sign she’s more into women. Many lesbians simply aren’t interested in men romantically or sexually. If she dodges questions about dating or relationships with the opposite sex, changes the subject, or says she’s “too busy focusing on her career right now,” it may be her subtle way of coming out without actually saying the words.
She may even get visibly uncomfortable or annoyed when men express interest or invade her personal space. Of course, some straight women also prefer less male attention, so look for other clues to confirm your suspicions.
Femme lesbians can fly under the radar because they appear traditionally “feminine.” But if she rejects every advance from hopeful guys while lighting up around certain women, she could well be a lesbian – she’s just choosy about who she comes out to.
Her Grip
Notice how she holds her cup or bottle. Does she grip it in a loose, relaxed manner? Or does she firmly clasp the cup, almost protectively? Femme lesbians often have a relaxed, easygoing grip. Holding a drink in a casual, comfortable way shows she’s at ease with herself and her sexuality.
Her Posture
How she positions herself while drinking is also telling. Does she stand or sit up straight, chest out, and shoulders back in an assertive stance? Or does she lounge back in her seat, legs crossed and body angled in a more open, approachable manner? Femme lesbians frequently have an unguarded, laid-back posture that signals they’re comfortable in their own skin.
Eye Contact
Pay attention to her eye contact while conversing. Does she make frequent eye contact, engaging you directly to signal her interest? Or does she glance away often, surveying the room and only making occasional eye contact? Femme lesbians tend to make sporadic, casual eye contact that’s friendly but not flirty. They may look away as they drink or talk, showing they’re at ease and not focused on gaining your approval or attention.
Some femmes might get a little red in the face if they think someone noticed they’re into other ladies. Femmes tend to be on the shy side. If they’re out and about with their girlfriend and suspect people are figuring out their deal, the blush might start creeping in.
She Has More Male Friends Than Females
One telltale sign that she may be a femme lesbian is if she has more close male friends than female friends. This isn’t always the case, but many femme lesbians find it easier to connect with men platonically since there’s no sexual tension or chemistry to navigate.
Her guy friends likely make up a big part of her social circle. She probably hangs out with them often, doing activities like watching sports, gaming, or grabbing beers together. Don’t assume that just because she has a lot of male friends, she’s romantically interested in any of them. For her, these friendships are purely platonic.
She may have had trouble connecting with women in the past. Perhaps she hasn’t always felt like she fit in with typical feminine interests or conversations. Her interests and style of communication may align more closely with masculine norms. While she identifies as female, she finds it easier to bond with men over shared interests.
Of course, this isn’t the case for all femme lesbians. Many have close female friendships as well. But if she seems to gravitate toward hanging out with men and appears more at ease around them in social settings, it could be a sign that she’s a femme lesbian.
Her Social Media May Have Subtle Rainbow Themes
Her social media profiles may reveal subtle hints about her sexuality. Look for small details that point to her being part of the LGBTQ community.
She may use the rainbow flag emoji or hashtag in her posts, especially around Pride month in June. The rainbow is the main symbol of the LGBTQ community and pride, and using it is a subtle way for her to show her support.
See who she follows on social media. She may follow popular lesbian influencers, athletes, musicians or public figures. This is an easy way for her to stay on top of LGBTQ culture and events.
Pay attention to the language she uses in her posts and captions. She will probably use gender-neutral terms like “partner” instead of “boyfriend.” She may also refer to women in endearing terms usually reserved for men, like “babe” or “cutie.”
Her Body Language
When talking or interacting with a femme lesbian, pay close attention to her eye contact and body language. These subtle signs can reveal her interest or attraction to you.
Eye Contact. Does she hold eye contact with you for longer than usual? If her gaze lingers or she has trouble pulling away from your eyes, she may find you appealing. Frequent eye contact, especially if accompanied by a smile, is a good indicator she’s interested in connecting on a deeper level.
Her Gestures. Notice if she leans in closer to you when talking, touches your arm lightly, or plays with her hair while conversing. These gestures signify she’s open to intimacy and feeling comfortable around you. Relaxed, open body language with shoulders back, chest open, and legs uncrossed also shows she’s receptive to your presence.
Smiling/Laughing. A femme lesbian will laugh freely and smile brightly in your company if she finds you charming or amusing. Look for crinkling around the eyes when she smiles at you. This is a genuine sign of delight that’s hard to fake. Playful teasing or banter is also a way for her to flirt and show she enjoys your sense of humor and spirited exchange.
Asking Questions. If she asks personal questions about your life, interests, relationship status, or future plans, she’s likely fishing to see if you’re available and seeking the same connection as her. While friendly conversation is normal, a femme lesbian signaling interest will probe to find out more details about who you really are.
Compliments. Listen for compliments on your style, personality, talents, or accomplishments. Sincere flattery is a femme lesbian’s way of expressing admiration and attraction. Compliments reveal what she notices and appreciates about you. Many straight women never compliment other women.
None of these signs alone definitively prove she’s a femme lesbian, but a combination of these clues, especially over multiple interactions, increases the likelihood.
Bottom Line
The only way to really know for sure is to strike up a genuine, respectful conversation with her. Don’t make assumptions or judgments based on appearances alone. And even if she does turn out to identify as lesbian or queer, that doesn’t define her whole identity or personhood. Every woman is a complex and beautiful human being, so make sure you see and appreciate all sides of someone, not just their sexuality or gender expression.
