You’ve been dumped. Again. And this time, they really pulled out all the stops to make it hurt. The disappearing act, the cold shoulder, the sudden radio silence – they really did a number on you, so to speak. But don’t be too hard on yourself about it. You’re dealing with a dismissive avoidant here, and heartless breakups are kind of their game.
There are certain stages that these folks tend to follow when ending things, almost like clockwork. And if you know what to expect, it might help you understand what’s going on and start feeling a little better after your heart gets shattered.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
People with a dismissive avoidant attachment style tend to be emotionally distant and value independence over intimacy in relationships. They have a hard time opening up and trusting others. As a result, they often come across as aloof or indifferent in relationships.
When a breakup happens, dismissive avoidants initially seem largely unaffected. They may act like nothing is wrong and the relationship didn’t mean much to them. But underneath the surface, they are hurting. They just have an extremely hard time acknowledging those feelings, even to themselves.
Instead of dealing with painful emotions, dismissive avoidants distract themselves by throwing themselves into work, hobbies, or casual relationships. They may start dating again right away as a way to prove they don’t need their ex and weren’t that invested. But in reality, they are avoiding the grief process altogether.
The pain and loss do catch up with dismissive avoidants eventually, often in the form of physical or emotional issues. The hurt and sadness they refused to deal with directly expresses itself in other ways. At this point, they may start to process the breakup in a healthier way through self-reflection, talking to others, or even therapy.
For the average person, the grieving process after a breakup takes time. But for dismissive avoidants, learning how to face emotions in a constructive way is an ongoing challenge that often requires professional support. With hard work and patience, they can become more secure and intimate in relationships, but it is a constant work in progress.
The 5 Breakup Stages
There are five dismissive avoidant break up stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Denial
At first, you may deny the relationship is really over. Your avoidant ex seems so distant and unemotional about the breakup that you have trouble accepting it’s actually happening. You cling to the hope that they’ll come to their senses and want you back. Spoiler alert: That’s unlikely to happen.
Anger
As reality sets in, you may feel angry at your ex for being so cold and at yourself for not seeing the signs. Your anger is a defense mechanism to avoid the pain underneath. Don’t beat yourself up—their avoidance tendencies made the problems hard to spot.
Bargaining
You may find yourself stuck on an emotional rollercoaster, bargaining with yourself, your ex, and the universe to put the relationship back together. But the truth is, no amount of bargaining will change an avoidant ex’s mind once it’s made up.
Depression
Feeling sad and hopeless is a normal reaction to a breakup, especially with an avoidant partner. Don’t be too hard on yourself – let yourself feel all the feelings as you grieve what could have been. Make sure you’re talking to friends who’ve got your back during this tough time. Let it all out however works for you – cry, scream, write in a journal…do what you need to process those emotions.
Acceptance
Eventually, you’ll come to terms with the fact that things with your ex are really over. You’ll stop making excuses for them and see the breakup for what it is – a chance to find someone new who can actually be there for you emotionally and give you what you need. Reaching this point means you’re opening yourself up to better things down the road, even if it still stings now. With space and time, you’ll see that hurt won’t sting as much after a while.
How To Cope With A Breakup When Your Ex Is Dismissive Avoidant
Going through a breakup is hard enough, but when your ex has an avoidant attachment style, the pain can cut even deeper. Their emotional unavailability and difficulty committing likely played a role in the relationship’s demise. Now you’re left picking up the pieces, wondering how someone could seem to move on so quickly.
Don’t Blame Yourself
Don’t let their cold behavior make you think you’re unlovable or not good enough. Their commitment and closeness issues say more about them than you. You deserve to be with people who love and support you. Don’t waste your time internalizing their actions. Focus on surrounding yourself with those who truly care about you.
Cut Off Contact
Continuing to engage with a dismissive ex will only prolong your pain and prevent you from moving on. Block them on social media and your phone, and do not reach out. Removing reminders of them from your daily life will help you heal. What’s done is done. Just take care of yourself from now on. Do things that make you feel better, and don’t worry about what they’re up to.
Learn To Self-Soothe
When you long for the intimacy and affection your ex withheld, practice self-care. Reach out to your closest friends, write in a journal about what you’re feeling, go to the gym, meditate, or dive into your hobbies – anything that helps you feel better. When you really value who you are, you aren’t as dependent on others and can handle independence better. You’ll be able to find people who truly love you for who you are. I know it hurts now, but in time, that longing won’t feel so intense.
The Stages Are Predictable But Still Painful
Dealing with their hot and cold behavior can be really frustrating. But don’t forget, their issues keeping their guard up aren’t because of you. Focus on taking care of yourself right now. Spend time with people who make you feel supported and cared for. You deserve people who respect what you need in a relationship.
