Dealing with inconsistent people can be super frustrating. Whether it’s a friend who takes forever to text back and only talks about surface-level things. Or maybe it’s someone you’re dating who seemed interested at first but then gets distant once you share your feelings. That hot and cold act really hurts. After a while, it gets incredibly exhausting. Before cutting them off completely, though, here are a few things to think about.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
The dismissive-avoidant attachment style describes people who desire independence and self-sufficiency above close relationships. Those with this attachment style tend to suppress or minimize the expression of their emotions and needs. They may avoid intimacy and closeness in relationships, and view dependence as a sign of weakness.
People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style often learned as children that their needs would not be consistently met. As a result, they become self-reliant and avoid depending on others to avoid disappointment. Sure, independence can be healthy, but this attachment style can cause problems in relationships.
Dismissive-avoidant people may seem emotionally distant, aloof or disinterested in intimacy. They may have difficulty trusting others and sharing their feelings openly. Relationships tend to be more superficial and lack emotional depth. Partners of dismissive-avoidant people often feel unheard, undervalued, and rejected.
Here’s an example. Let’s say Sarah’s friend John has a hard time sharing his feelings. He doesn’t like talking about emotional things and often tries to joke around or change the subject when Sarah brings it up. While John cares about Sarah, he finds it difficult to open up or be intimate emotionally. This makes it tough for him to really connect with Sarah on a deeper level. Now Sarah has to decide – should she stay with John even though he has a hard time being vulnerable, or should she leave and move on? The thing is, it can take avoidant people a long time to change if they change at all. And sometimes, they never change. So Sarah needs to think about if she’s willing to stay friends while John works on things, or if it’s better for her to find someone more emotionally available.
How To Text A Dismissive Avoidant Partner
If you’re dating someone who tends to withdraw or pulls away from emotional intimacy, try this:
Be brief and to the point. Avoid long, drawn-out texts that require a lengthy response. Keep your messages short and simple. Say something brief like “Hope your day is going well” or “Looking forward to our plans tonight.” Avoidants don’t necessarily dislike reading long messages. They just don’t like having to respond with long replies. Short texts are much easier for them to reply to.
Leave space for them to respond at their own pace. Don’t double or triple text if they don’t respond right away. Dismissive avoidants prefer space, so give it to them. If you keep sending more messages without a response, it may take them longer to reply back.
Keep the focus positive. Talk about things you’re looking forward to doing together or share something that made you think of them. Avoid complaining, criticizing or bringing up issues over text.
Offer reassurance. Let them know you care by sending an “I’m thinking of you” or “Can’t wait to see you” text from time to time. This can help them feel more secure in the relationship. At the same time, don’t expect them to open up emotionally or respond romantically
Suggest plans in person. Instead of texting to talk about problems or make requests, save those conversations for when you’re together in person. Texting should mainly be about keeping a fun, upbeat connection between your hangouts.
This texting style might work on someone who is avoidant, but the big question is:
Is The Connection Even Worth It?
Communicating with a dismissive avoidant partner is never easy. Their avoidance and emotional distance can leave you feeling frustrated, unheard, and disconnected. If lively and healthy communication is important to you in a relationship, the communication challenges with a dismissive avoidant partner may be difficult to overcome.
Sure, there is a chance the two of you could work through issues with patience and some understanding on your (and their) part, but the journey will likely be a long one. Dismissive avoidance is rooted in deep-seated fears of intimacy and dependence that develop from childhood. Some progress can be made over time, but a dismissive avoidant partner often changes slowly.
If you find yourself constantly trying to get through to your dismissive avoidant partner while feeling emotionally neglected, the communication difficulties may outweigh the positives of the relationship. Staying in an emotionally unsatisfying connection long-term could also undermine your self-esteem and happiness.
Ultimately, you have to decide if the connection is worth the challenges. There may be things you value about your relationship, but only you can determine if the communication obstacles and emotional distance are tolerable in the long run. If you are looking for a more lively and healthy relationship centered around openness and mutual understanding, breaking ties may be the wiser choice for your own well-being and growth.
