You just got back from an amazing trip with your partner or someone you are seeing who has a dismissive avoidant attachment style. Everything seemed great while you were away together, but now that you’re home, they’ve gone totally silent on you. Is this shutdown temporary? What even made them pull away in the first place after everything seemed to be going so well between you two while you were away?
Why Would They Do It?
If your partner or someone you are seeing went MIA after your vacation together, their dismissive avoidant attachment style may be to blame. People with this style value independence and have trouble connecting emotionally.
Dismissive avoidants struggle to open up and be vulnerable. Emotional intimacy makes them uncomfortable, so they prefer casual relationships where feelings aren’t discussed. And after doing something really intense together like taking a trip, they tend to pull away to get their independence back and avoid that closeness. I always think of it as an “intimacy hangover” cause it really does feel like that. It’s like they just need space after being so close to someone for a while.
Hanging out with someone, even casually, can be draining for them if it’s too much. A whole vacation of constant togetherness was probably over their limit. Now, they need a break to recharge without any interaction. It’s not you, they just get overwhelmed by closeness and intimacy.
They’re Pushing You Away As A Defense Mechanism
Silence and distance are ways for dismissive avoidants to protect themselves emotionally. Subconsciously, pulling away from you is a defense mechanism to avoid potential hurt or disappointment. The more they start to feel for someone, the more their first instinct is to step back. That doesn’t mean they don’t want you in their life at all. But don’t expect them to open up right away either. It could be days or weeks before they feel comfortable lowering those defenses again.
I know it can be frustrating when they seem distant. But try not to take it personally. The moments you do share together show that they care about your relationship. They just have a different way of dealing with strong feelings.
How To Deal With This Situation
When your dismissive avoidant partner retreats into silence after time away together, their sudden distance and lack of communication can make you feel confused, anxious, and worried about the state of your relationship. And you’re just left wondering what happened and why they’re doing that retreat thing again. It’s confusing and anxiety-inducing for sure, and you start worrying about where you two stand.
See Them As A Patient
I remember my friend giving me some advice once about dealing with difficult people. They said it can help to think of the other person as your patient and yourself as the doctor. You want to help them and offer support, just like a doctor does for their patients. But ultimately, the other person has to be willing to take the steps to help themselves, just like a patient has to be proactive in their own care. It’s their life and their journey.
Also, seeing them as a patient rather than just another person can stop you from taking things too personally. Chances are they’re dealing with their own stuff, and as hard as it may be to hear sometimes, how they handle it is their business.
Give Them Space
Respect their need for space and don’t bombard them with calls or texts demanding an explanation. If you do so, you worsen the situation. While the silence may worry you, avoid contacting them and let them come back to you in their own time. Pushing for contact or answers right now will likely only drive them further away.
Don’t Take It Personally
Remember that their avoidance is about them, it has nothing to do with you. Dismissive avoidants retreat when they feel overwhelmed by intimacy and vulnerability. After a trip together, they might want some solo time to feel independent again and like their own person. It’s just how they deal with finding balance, it has nothing to do with what they think about you or the relationship. Their withdrawal is just how they cope, not a sign of what they think of you.
Stay Busy and Distracted
While waiting for your partner to break their silence, keep yourself occupied. Reach out to other friends and family, do your regular activities that you enjoy, and stick to your normal routine. I know it’s tough, but sitting around worrying about the silence won’t help your anxiety.
Communicate When They Reach Out
When they finally reach out, you have to have it out with them about why they went all quiet on you. Be real with them about how it made you feel, because while you get everyone needs their own time sometimes, just dropping off the face of the earth like that hurts. A relationship can’t survive that long term.
And if they can’t understand that and how it “messed” with your head, well…you might have to be straight with yourself. Are you willing to wait around forever hoping they’ll change? Because people usually don’t do a full 180 overnight.
Final Words
People who are dismissive or fearful avoidant, they tend to like needing more alone time to just think things through, especially if something really emotional happened. Try to give them their space and let them do their thing. And focus on you too during that time. But like I said, you don’t want to wait around forever for them to open back up. You have to stay open to meeting new people and new possibilities too. Otherwise you could just be sitting there waiting who knows how long.
