If you’re dating or in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, you know the struggle. They often pull away when things get too close, need tons of space, and can seem emotionally distant. But what if they’re actually trying to make an effort?
Avoidants aren’t always emotionally unavailable—sometimes, they do want to connect but just don’t know how to do it in the way you expect. The key is recognizing their subtle (and sometimes confusing) attempts.
Here are 7 signs an avoidant is trying to meet you halfway:
They Initiate Contact More Often
Avoidants are notorious for being passive in relationships. They often wait for you to text first, plan dates, or keep the conversation going. So if they’re suddenly reaching out more—even just with a random meme or a quick “How’s your day?”—that’s progress.
Why it matters: For an avoidant, initiating contact means stepping outside their comfort zone. They’re fighting their instinct to self-isolate, which is a big deal.
How to respond: Don’t overwhelm them with excitement (that can scare them off), but acknowledge their effort. A simple “Hi, I was just thinking about you too!” keeps things light but affirming.
They Share Small (But Meaningful) Details
Avoidants tend to keep their inner world locked down. If they start opening up—about their childhood, a work frustration, or even just their favorite movie—they’re testing the waters of vulnerability.
Why it matters: Sharing personal thoughts is their way of saying, “I trust you enough to let you in.” It might not be a deep emotional dump, but it’s a step.
How to respond: Don’t press for more than they’re offering. Instead, show appreciation: “It means the world to me when you tell me things like that.”
They Stick Around After Conflict
An avoidant’s default setting is “exit at the first sign of tension.” If they’re sticking around after an argument—or at least coming back to talk after some space—that’s huge.
Why it matters: It means they’re trying to break their usual cycle of withdrawal and are willing to face discomfort for the relationship.
How to respond: Give them time to process, but reinforce that you appreciate them working through things. “I know this isn’t easy for you, but I’m glad we’re talking about it.”
They Make Future Plans (And Follow Through)
Avoidants often shy away from commitment, even small ones like planning next weekend. If they’re suggesting future dates, trips, or even just saying, “We should do this again,” they’re signaling investment.
Why it matters: It shows they see you as a consistent part of their life, not just a temporary presence.
How to respond: Match their energy. If they suggest a future plan, follow up with enthusiasm but no pressure: “That sounds amazing! Let’s figure out the details when it gets closer.”
They Ask About Your Feelings
You probably know that avoidants aren’t naturally inclined to deep emotional talks, so if they’re asking how you’re feeling—especially after a disagreement or stressful event—they’re consciously trying to connect.
Why it matters: They’re pushing past their own discomfort to meet your emotional needs, which is a major effort for them.
How to respond: Keep it simple and honest. “I really appreciate you asking. Right now, I’m feeling [emotion], and it helps to talk about it.”
They Respect Your Needs (Even If They Don’t Fully Understand Them)
If you’ve expressed a need—like more communication or reassurance—and they’re making small changes (texting a bit more, giving a little more affection), they are listening. It might not be perfect, but at least they’re trying.
Why it matters: Avoidants often struggle with emotional attunement, so any adjustment means they’re consciously trying to meet you halfway.
How to respond: Positive reinforcement works wonders. “I noticed you’ve been [specific action], and it makes me feel really loved. Thank you.”
They Show Vulnerability In Their Own Way
Avoidants may not say “I love you” often, but they might:
- Remember small details you mentioned
- Do practical things to help you
- Be there when you really need them
Why it matters: Their love language is often “quiet reliability” rather than grand gestures.
How to respond: Acknowledge their actions. “You always remember the little things—it makes me feel so cared for.”
The Bottom Line
Avoidants can and do try—but here’s the hard truth: their efforts often come in whispers, not shouts. They show up in half-steps, hesitant gestures, and quiet compromises. If you’re waiting for sweeping romantic declarations or sudden emotional availability, you’ll miss the subtle signs of progress happening right in front of you.
The key? Recognize effort, not perfection.
If you’ve spotted these signs, your avoidant partner is trying in their own way. Meeting them with patience—and clear, gentle guidance—can create space for them to open up more over time.
But let’s be real: this dance isn’t for everyone.
You might notice that every time you soften, they retreat again. Every time you reach out, they seem to vanish deeper into their shell. That push-pull dynamic is exhausting, and frankly? You’re allowed to say, “I deserve more than crumbs.”
Some avoidants do grow, but only if they actively choose to. And you? You get to choose whether to wait for that growth or walk toward something more secure.
