You’ve just gone no contact with your dismissive avoidant ex. It was a tough decision, but you know it’s necessary for your own well-being. Or maybe they were the ones that went no contact on you and now you’re just sitting there, thinking “why”. I’ve been there, done that, on both ends. Let me tell you what I’ve learned from all that.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
The dismissive-avoidant attachment style describes people who desire a high level of independence and tend to suppress their emotional needs. Close relationships aren’t a priority for them.
That doesn’t mean they don’t want them at all, but there’s a part of them that gets in the way of really committing to someone else. It’s like they tell themselves they don’t need anyone, even if deep down they might want that intimacy and connection with someone special. But something inside holds them back, so relationships can be difficult for people like this.
Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style may:
- Tend to keep others at a distance emotionally. They try not to depend too much on others and avoid getting too close in relationships.
- Downplay the importance of intimacy and emotional bonds. They see relationships as temporary and unimportant.
- Have difficulty trusting others. They have a fear of dependence and being controlled or manipulated by others.
- View emotions as a sign of weakness. They try to remain rational and in control of their emotions.
- Minimize or hide their feelings. They tend not to share their emotions openly with others.
- Struggle to commit fully to a partner. They have a tendency to withdraw from relationships that become too close.
This attachment style usually forms early on, commonly because of unpredictable parenting or caretaking. Folks with this dismissive way of handling relationships might want to work on building trust, better communicating, and seeing the importance of emotional closeness with partners. Learning those things could help them have healthier relationships.
Why “No Contact”?
Dismissive or fearful avoidants are like fish. Sometimes, they’ll swim over to you, but as soon as you try to get close, they swim away again.
If you’re the one who went no contact, in a way, you’re giving them exactly what they want – their independence and space. But if it was the avoidant one who went no contact on you, they probably did it for that same reason, to feel independent and have their own thing going on.
People who are dismissive or fearful when it comes to avoiding relationships aren’t really cut out for long term commitments. They’re more like in and out, here today, gone tomorrow. And if they don’t realize how what they do affects their partner, they may never find themselves in a healthy, happy relationship.
Timeline
No contact doesn’t really work for anyone long term. If they keep you at arm’s length for too long, there’s a good chance you’ll just swim off in a different direction and not look back. And they will start missing you. For avoidants, time is crucial.
In the beginning, they’ll feel relieved – they got the independence and space they wanted. We’re talking a few weeks or even months. But then, they’re going to start missing you. They’re like a power bank. It holds a charge for a little while, but then it dies, and you have to plug it in to charge it up again. Once they hit empty, they’ll be reaching back out. Just don’t be surprised if, once they’re full again, they go no contact again. That’s just how they operate. You exchange a few messages and they go silent again.
Avoidants Need Independence
Going no contact with someone isn’t always the best move. Even if it was their idea at first, it can really make them feel trapped. They might think you’re trying to control them or corner them, even if that wasn’t your intention at all. And it probably bugs them that when you do talk, they don’t feel independent anymore.
People who avoid relationships still want someone special in their life. They just hate the thought of relying on someone else or having to check in all the time. So no contact might not give them the space they want – it could end up pushing them further away.
They’re Not Ignoring You
If they aren’t texting you back or responding to your messages, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re ignoring you. A lot of times, people who are more avoidant will still check up on your Instagram stories, even if they’re doing it secretly or anonymously. They’re keeping a close eye on what you’re up to, even though they want you to think they’re not paying attention.
And then, when you run into them, they may casually bring up things about you that you didn’t directly tell them. The reality is they probably like you, they just have a hard time getting too close or comfortable. It’s kind of like they’re a shy fish – they’ll swim up to you for a little while but then swim away again when things start to feel too close.
Avoidants Dislike Emotional Intimacy
For some people, the more intimate a relationship gets, the more uncomfortable they start to feel. They feel this need for distance as things get closer, even if being distant is hard for them in other ways.
You might have been talking to someone regularly, but then one time you brought up something deeper and more personal. After that, they just stopped responding or talking to you at all. It’s probably not about what you said specifically.
For an avoidant person, it’s that being vulnerable like that is just too much for them to handle. They pull away just to create some space and protect themselves, whether they realize it or not.
If you talk to them later, they probably won’t want to discuss that topic again. And if you try to bring it up once more, they’ll likely change the subject or stop talking to you completely.
They Struggle With Vulnerability
Getting close to someone and depending on them really puts avoidants out there. It leaves them open to get hurt or rejected. Not talking to the person protects them from having to be vulnerable around you. Now, that isn’t to say avoidants don’t care about the relationship because they do, even if showing it isn’t their thing. It’s just not the kind of setup that works for everyone.
No Contact Is Still Painful For Them
All that indifference they show on the outside, the hurt and sadness is still there below the surface. And with time apart, they may start missing what they lost. If they do reach back out, it’s probably because the pain of losing you finally outweighed their need for space. The walls come down little by little.
But over time, you might start dating someone new. And then it’ll be too late for the avoidant, they missed their chance. They could even feel depressed about how distant they acted before.
The thing is, avoidants may start missing you when you’re not in contact. But as soon as you talk to them again, it’s like you gave them a shot of adrenaline. They feel alive again and then go right back to avoiding you. It’s like a fish – they swim to you when they want food, then swim off once they’ve eaten.
Usually, they only really feel the hurt if you’re the one who stopped talking to them. They might even regret things they said or did and hate themselves for it. Eventually, the pain sinks in for them too. It’s not that they don’t have emotions, they just deal with them differently than most.
My Advice
If you’re dealing with an avoidant who cut off contact with you, you have to think about if they’re really worth your time and energy. I know you may care about them, but a good relationship needs good communication. Without it, things just aren’t flowing. And waiting around for rain when the well is dry isn’t getting you anywhere.
Here’s my advice – look at them like a patient and yourself as the doctor. Chances are they’re dealing with something, which is why they went no contact. And just because they chat small or open your Instagram stories sometimes doesn’t mean much.
The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and be open to new connections. Over time, maybe they’ll work through their own things or realize something, and talking to them later, you’ll feel a change. But for now, prioritize you.
The same goes if you were the one who cut them off. Go live your life, and don’t expect them to chase you. They may chat small later, but if they aren’t making changes, it’ll be more of the same. Keep on keeping on with your own thing.
